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CMU Bookstore Sells Helper Monkeys for Chronically Lazy

*Staff at readme work hard to write weekly articles.

Where are you going to be on Monday, October 9th at 3:00pm? As I write*, the Carnegie Mellon University bookstore is stocking their shelves with a new product to help the school's Chronically Lazy (Chronchitis Lazitus) population. The buzz around campus came way before Carnegie Mellon's Bookstore Local Organization for Wacky Stuff (BLOWS) made the official announcement. For those of you who feel it's just too hard to roll out of bed to make it to your 4:15 pm class, then this may just be the thing for you.

        Last Tuesday, BLOWS put the order in for 300 Taiwanese elbow monkeys, known in the western hemisphere simply as Don Janson's Helper Monkeys for the Chronically Lazy. Appointed by the United States Health and Ethics Associate Department (HEAD) in October of 1999, Helper Monkeys for the Chronically Lazy have been slowly infiltrating our nation's department stores, garnering the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval and Merit (GHSAM) and an International Medical Foundation Award (IMFA).

The monkeys come in three sizes: shrimpy, average, and hefty. The load of monkeys comes with an intricate system of accessories which may be purchased for nominal fees after the purchase of your first monkey. Items such as personalized brooms, rubber gloves and Swedish bathing sponges are simply a few examples of the tools available from Don Janson's specialized line of service. Also, absent from earlier shipments but included with this new batch of helper monkeys is a guarantee that the monkeys will NOT kill their owners.

Monkey tying shoe of lazy student

     Back in the early 90's, the Carnegie Mellon Organization for Lazy Students (OLS) lobbied for earlier models of the monkey to be provided as a service to the college's motivationally handicapped. But due to administration opposition and the disbandment of the OLS (thanks to the organization's failure to ever hold another meeting), the proposition never left its development stages.

     Certified in the fine housekeeping arts, all monkeys are specially trained with your comfort and cleanliness in mind. Monkeys come fully versed in English commands, and run at $78.00 American ($385.57 Canadian). For a limited time only, included with each purchase will be a pre-paid international calling card. So for all you Chronchitis Lazitus, prepare to experience the sensation that's literally sweeping the nation! It may be an early rise for all you lazy Mellonheads out there, but your future of loafing, lethargy and laziness is just a bookstore away.