9/25 Medical Emergency
1:17 pm
    An unknown student sponstaneously combusted after an exam in DH2315. Campus police interviewed other students in the class, but no one was able to identify the victim, since it was the first class they had attended this semester. Campus police scooped up the remains and took them to the Mellon Institute for DNA identification. So far no match has been made, and students are encouraged to report any missing persons to Campus Police.

9/27 Vandalism
2:15 am
    A male student was arrested by campus police for vandalism. The actor was found littering the ground with small, rice-like particles from a bag marked "Grass Seeds." Admitting at once to attempting to grow grass where the tent used to be, the student was detained overnight and set free in the morning with a fine.

9/28 Public Disturbance
8:42 pm
    Campus police stopped seven students on the first floor of the UC. Six of the actors were seated in wheeled office chairs and had linked hands. The seventh actor was standing and pulling the other six while making "choo choo!" noises. After being detained by police, they denied all wrong-doing and claimed it was "some sort of trust building exercise." The officer confiscated the chairs and was overheard on police band radio saying "smartest kids in the nation my ass!"

9/29 Public Disturbance
10:01 pm
    An off-duty campus police officer was walking through Doherty Hall Friday night when he came across a group of seven students apparently singing at the ceiling. When challenged, the actors claimed that they were trying to find the resonating frequency of the ceiling. The officer then shot all seven of them in self defense.