October 7-13      issue # 1,000,009    
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Paneras and Ritter's

Panera's

     Panera is your basic "yuppie food restaurant", and while one would expect it to be in Shadyside with the rest of the yuppie restaurants, it is actually in Squirrel Hill. (Take the 61, or just walk, it is close to the corner of Murray and Forbes.) It's a deli, slightly overpriced, but with good food. There is plenty of seating, unlimited refills, a good selection of food (sandwiches and soups), all the things you expect from a deli. However, my problem (which may or may not be a problem for you) is that it being a yuppie restaurant, it was full of, yes you guessed it, yuppies. I don't mind yuppies on a day-to-day basis, but on the weekends, yuppies should disappear into suburbia and let people who haven't shaved in three days live their lives. However, they don't. So put on your khakis, wear your cell phone on your belt, and go to Panera and you will have a good time or at least you won't be hungry any more.

[ed. note: this is the only restaurant I've ever been to where the employees put the straw in my drink while it still had the wrapper on.]

Ritter's

     Ritter's is halfway between a dive and a diner. It is located on Center, (far enough away that you can't convince most people to walk, but close enough for there to be no practical bus route. We suggest that you find someone with a car, or just don't go.) It is open 24 hours a day, and has pretty lousy food and really cheap prices. The best time to go is just before 2 am, because just after you get there, the bars will close and all the people that come in after that will be drunk (one of their customer's cars on the last trip was parked on a no-parking sign, which was still attached to the sidewalk).

      Of interest, the entire thing looks like a couple trailers from the outside, even though the company seems to be doing fairly well from the number of customers. You will be served by one of two waitresses; either the one without teeth or the one with teeth. The waitress without teeth has been known to hit on readme's illustrius editor-in-chief (sending him into a near hysterical, panicked state), although he sort of wasn't interested. The restaurant smells of ammonia, but I'm happy with that, because I can tell that they actually clean the place.  Basically, the place is pretty bad, but we seem to go anyway, just as something to do.

[ed. note: the last two times I've been there, the food made me feel sick. Additionally, our waitress informed us that the jukebox has a tendency to get stuck repeating mambo #5 over and over again. I don't know what happened after this point because I saved my sanity by bludgeoning my head against the wall until I achieved unconciousness.]

 

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