In happier days, the Scottie Dog was famous for digging giant holes in the Cut to bury his bones.
CMU's beloved mascot, Scottie Dog, was put to sleep on Wednesday at UPMC Veterinary Center. He was diagnosed with an advanced stage of rabies and was not responding to treatments. Said Chief Veterinarian Steven Crell, "It was really a shame. He was such a wonderful animal. Not only was he 12 times the size of a regular Scottish Terrier, but he could also talk." Scottie was a popular attraction at football games, known for his wild antics and inappropriate interference with play. He was 4 years old, and will be buried in a giant shoebox under a tree outside of Doherty Hall.
The situation has caused students to question campus safety, and has prompted many to take extra precautions against stray animals. Said Stephanie Cohen, who was attacked by Scottie, "He was out of control. He was flailing his arms around and saying things like, `Help help, there is a bee in my costume and I can't get the head off!' He wasn't making any sense." Several other students had similar encounters with Scottie, until finally CMU Police apprehended him after he passed out in front of Health Services. Said officer Donald Straub, "That was the biggest dog I've ever seen. And he wouldn't shut up about being allergic to bees. We brought him to the vet, to see if they could help, but we knew he was going to have to be put to sleep."
CMU is now forced to find a new mascot, which reflects both our school's proud Scottish heritage and our poor athletic prowess. Candidates have included "Mickey McDrunk," "Potatoes McScotch," and "Cheapy McPennypincher." Said President Cohon, "We are anxious to select a new mascot, and continue our tradition of low-ranking, Division 3 sports. Out of respect though, we have to give the campus at least another half-hour to grieve."
Disaster struck while the world-famous CMU Kiltie Band was making their yearly march toward Skibo Gym, as the group was ambushed by a horde of prospective students attending a Sleeping Bag Weekend. Shocked and outnumbered, members of the Kiltie Band tried to fight off the pre-freshmen with drumsticks and the fluffy things found on kilts, but to no avail. The teens soon cornered the band in the rotunda of Margaret Morrison Carnegie Hall and ordered the them to surrender their bagpipes or the visiting students would tell admissions that the Kiltie Band "failed to convey a feeling of campus unity and community."
Fearing repercussions from the Admissions Office, the band turned their instruments reluctantly over to the high-schoolers, who took them and ran until they were apprehended at the UC Info Desk while asking for directions back to Morewood Gardens. The students were detained by Campus Police for questioning and the bagpipes were held as evidence, leaving the Kiltie Band without instruments. Still having to put on their annual Carnival show, the band was left searching for last-minute alternatives until a box of kazoos was found in the basement of the UC. Although the school will certainly miss the sound of all the air being pressed out of a cow being piped across campus, be sure to catch the CMU Kiltie Band humming rousing renditions of the school fight song all throughout Carnival.
Jesus Week Edition (April 9 _ 15)
4/11, 1:08 pm — Murder
The actor talked with the victim his brother: and it came to pass, when they were on the cut, that the actor rose up against the victim his brother, and slew him. And the DEAN said unto the actor, Where is thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? And the DEAN said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the campus, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand; When thou doest thy homework, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her grades; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the campus. And the actor said unto the DEAN, My punishment is greater than I can bear. Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the campus; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the campus; and it shall come to pass, that every one that teacheth me shall fail me. And the DEAN said unto him, Therefore whosoever faileth the actor, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the DEAN set a mark upon the actor, lest any teaching him should fail him. And the actor went out from the presence of the DEAN, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of CMU.
4/12, 3:13 pm — Plagues
The DEAN did look upon the campus, and the actions of the students did anger him. Thus did the DEAN bring hail and terrible storms against the campus, that none may venture outside. Yet the students took no notice, as the weather of Pittsburgh is oft terrible, and do they never leave Wean Hall, yea for weeks at a time. And thus the DEAN did look again, and still the actions of the students did anger him, and he did bring a plague of locusts upon the campus, that all the grass may be devoured. And still the students took no notice, for they did know that the University doth abhor grass, and yea all plants of any kind. And still was the DEAN angered, and yet did bring another plague, that they sky may be darkened for three days, and none may see the Sun. And still did the students take no notice, for the sky above the campus is oft dark, and the students shirk from the Sun when it appears. And yea, was the DEAN still angered, but took no more action, for He realised that He could do nothing.
4/14, 10:28 am — Public Disturbance
A man was seen entering the temple of God, and therein the actor did cast out all those that did buy and sell in the temple, and did overthrow the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, and did create a public disturbance. Authorities are searching for the actor, and do warn that he is insane and yea, may be dangerous.
4/18, 12:00 am — Riot
Campus Police arrested everyone in the entire school after a violent outbreak on Forbes Avenue. Witnesses say a fight broke out between two actors over the return fee for a keg tap. The fight escalated into a riot involving every student on campus. No major injuries were reported. Carnegie Mellon is canceled for the remainder of the semester.
4/17, 3:00 am — Implosion
An enraged CMU student ran all the way to PNC Park and singlehandedly demolished the new stadium. The actor claimed that he had eaten some bad mushrooms at Carnival and gone berserk. The actor was given an honorary degree in Performance Art by CFA.
4/13, 7:35 pm — Trespassing
Late Friday afternoon, during Carnival move-on to midway, police were notified that an unidentified booth was trying to enter Morewood parking lot. The booth was actually the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. After asked which organization he belonged to, he stomped through the lot where he took residence by the blitz booths. There are no plans to remove him, as long as he meets all of the electrical and safety conditions.
4/18, 1:42 am — Trespassing
Police were called to midway early Wednesday morning after reports of strange noises coming from one of the booths. Upon investigation, it turned out that Spirit House actually contained spirits. Their booth, built in the shape of a giant `Wine & Spirits' store, was accidentally built with "haunted wood." The Ghostbusters were called, but were unable to get a permit to plug their Ecto-Containment Unit into the Morewood Power Grid.