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| 2004-2005 Quotes: | Back to Archives |
Scott: Six million monkeys had a Bill Clinton today.
Grant: You're still evil... get ham.
Guy: This machine gun can shoot through 12 deer at once! ...if they're all lined up.
Scott & Katie: How tall is this grass?
Josh: Half a duck.
9/9/04
Yin: Your biceps must be getting pretty big by now.
Matt: Those aren't my biceps.
Yin: Well... maybe you should try.
Kevin: In this movie, the Irishman refused to wear green on St. Patrick's day, and Arnold Schwartzenneger was none to pleased.
Courtney: So he wants me to lick his gun, which I'm pretty sure is covered in blood.
Borg: Wife! Are you cheating on me?!
9/12/04
Will: Look at this performance dot! It's much lower than last
month!
Galen: Well maybe SOMEONE shouldn't be taking bags of money out of my office!
Marcus: Do I look like a fancy restaurant?
Scott: I assume you used the scientific method?
Adam: Oh no! I forgot the hyopthesis!
Dan T.: The pearl is round like an orange... only rounder. I once had a friend that confused the two. He was an odd fellow.
9/19/04
Kyle: I got a problem with Leder-Fuckin'-Hosen!
Josh: These 3 numbskulls are going to push my patience to the edge of it's... patshientude.
Josh: Your bed is now my sleeping quarters; your Hello Kitty poster is my inspiration; your mirror is my labotomizer.
Kevin: Monty Python is turning into Zombies.
Gerrit: Just those five guys?
Will: (whose leg is on fire) Oh God! Put it out!
Grant: (in response, breaks Will's leg)
Kyle: You signed the form. No animals unless for medicinal or religious
Purposes.
???: After eating 20 flounders, Sock invited his Queen Nancy.
9/23/04
Courtney: I'm bleeding! BAND-AID! BLEEDING! FIRST AID!
Grubb: Yo, I'm not tryin' the lettuce.
9/26/04
Adam: Your mother keeps me up at night.
Tyson: This week: Superman buys a CONDO!
Lisa: I don't need a cape...I'm too trendy.
Adam: Vomit shorts! That's right, they're vomit proof!
Tyson: The Samuel Dietary Diet! You don't eat for weeks and weeks!
Beej: I'd like to see you find the treasure with no breathing.
10/17/04
Beej: What do you do for a living?
Grubb: I am a robot.
B: What is your first memory?
G: Being Beaten.
B: By whom?
G: A human, at chess.
???: I'm an officer of the law. ABIDE!
Mike: Do you have a knive? Batons spread poor."
Kevin: Orange is for Protestants
Mike: It's your friend Mr. Snufflepants. Seen someone die again? I'll help you hide the body. I did it last time.
???: You people are a travesty on the fondue art.
Grubb: I left a letter to your children. They're coming to desecrate your grave.
Beej: Oh, I hear some shovels! Damn, I thought you guys were bluffing.
10/28/04
Will: C'mon. you loved the ipod. You want the Palm Pilot. Alright, I'll throw in a TI-83 PLUS.
Mike: I'm Mr. Fancy Pants Lawyer!
Kevin: The stove is hot? I never knew...
???: When we ate it, we found an invitation in our moths. And plane tickets.
Gerrit: Well den I think ah owe yoo a 'undred dorrars!
Dan T.: Look inside - there are little tissue monsters in there making tissue!
Kev: So, those are your thighs?
Josh: No... They're... metal... aw, fuck, yeah, it's my thighs.
10/31/04
Aaron: You didn't even start that, but M&M's anyway.
Scott: Realistically, in a Zombie movie...
???: Your headgear gets caught in the wires and you fall to a death.
Mike: Half Man, Half Chair, All HUNGER!
Beej: It's not for ration.
Kevin: ...which you received from buying multiple copies of cereal!
Mike: Faith, my son, I love you like a son... but this scimitar is a vampire.
11/4/04
Beej: And I breast-fred him from the age of 0!
Dan T.: Challenge, I challenge you to a fight-fight.
11/7/04
Beej: Your butt is so delicious and rumpful!
Gerrit: He doesn't want to breath - it is a good sign!
Scott: I thought you got rid of Eduardo! Didn't I tell you about the legal ramifications of Eduardo?!
Josh: It's not slavery if they're (oompa loompas) singing!
Adam: I beg you to reconsider this - Indians were not meant to have power.
Scott: It was two brains against one, and I wasn't giving up, yet.
11/11/04
Adam: Fancy we should meet again in the elevator.
Rachel: Yes, it is quite fancy.
Gerrit: I just found an ace in her arm!
Beej: We thought there might be some illegal pokery going on here.-
Gerrit: Hey guys, the cops are here! Sweet!
Beej: This is the police, I'm looking for me lucky charms! We'll flush you out
with liquor!
Gerrit: Pokery Smokery? Oh no, Dokery!
Gerrit : You have physics of cake, pie, on a velocity towards your mouth" - Gerrit
Gerrit : Physics, Physic - err, uhh, no, arg, physics bad, arg!!"
11/14/04
Beej : Where did you get this Freakon?
Dan T.: Eden? God closed that at the beginning of time.
G'Van: I rode back on a craptruck.
Josh: I just banged my head, there's a huge *lump* on it. (alluding to dump
truck)
G'Van: Oh. There was a lumptruck... ... Dumptruck! There was a dumptruck!
Dan T.: ...as a nearly infinitely dense man...
1/13/05
Adam: I had to sell my body for these tickets.
Dan T.: What? They were only $20.
Adam: (Not in a scene) Do otters have four hearts?
Gerrit: Did you rent an Adam Sandler movie, because if you did--Shit yeah!
Gerrit: . . . she said, proving that all of her appliances blink 12:00, and she uses AOL.
Alan: Hollister's has a really nice bar; there is a nice sandwich I could take you to.
Alan: If you ate me, I'd tell you to stop.
Kevin: I don't like strippers or dancers or sandwiches!
Will: I don't have to practice my religion! I am already very good at it!
1/16/05
Bram: (Drinks Rogaine) . . . apply topically.
Josh: Grant, G'van, Van Nordstrom.
Mary Grace: My socks are so high; I'm not a whore; I'm a child.
Alan: How do you support such a high ceiling?
Alex: Giants.
Mike: Waa! (Beats Marcus for 30+ sec. with a trash bag)
Marcus: I hate you!
Mike: (Curls into fetal position for 10+ sec.)
Adam: It is Alabama/Mississippi; it doesn't matter, they are the same state.
Bram: Help, help, I need my father; I need an officer; I need some money to give to this man.
Adam: Why don't you finish your sentences? You learned that in grade school.
1/20/05
Brian: Give that chair some Jesus!
Alan: (Trying to convey Magic the Gathering) (Mimes tapping a land.)
Mike: I don't know about crabs, but I have a green thumb now and again.
Catherine: . . . the futuristic past!
Mary Grace: You kill me; I kill you dead.
Mary Grace: That was sweet. You're so resourceful even when you've been stabbed eight times.
Alan: I forgot. (Drops dead.)
Adam: You may think this is a pool, and it is, but it used to be very different; it was a pool of love and rainbows.
Alex: I want to swim; it's kid swim.
1/23/05
Brian: Put out your cigarette; my baby's coughing.
Brian: Pay up man. I brought this bowl for you to put the money in.
Marcus: Throughout the ages cheese was invented in the Dark Ages.
Brian: My speedometer is acting up. You know how these things work.
Kevin: Yes, yes, I do know how these things work.
Dan T.: Buddy, I've got the ghosts, you got the money?
Dan T.: Dude, we've got to get the zombie extinguisher.
Dan T.: Cut me some slack, I'm being run out of business by Walghost.
Brian: A toast. And now a roast.
Kevin: This is my greatest product.
Nathan: It is better than an aqueduct.
1/27/05
Bram: The reason you see no stones is because this is where we hang people.
Mike: I'll bring it over yesterday.
Scott: Look, I made you a ghostly Bowflex.
Will: Put your head to the ground, boy.
Kevin: I can feel it in the plants.
Brian: I'll crush your head into a grapefruit!
Brian: But the creator of death is also the bringer of life.
Catherine: There are no talking flies, but you are a talking fly, so there must be.
Alex: I had to hitch a ride on that ass for 8 miles to get here.
1/30/05
Dan T.: What's that off in the distance?
Gerrit: The sun.
Will: This whole sham billy club isn't working with our whole sham casino.
Ken: That's why I told you not to read, woman.
Marcus: I don't care about them, if they are stupid enough to leave their watches lying around on their wrists.
Gerrit: You took me to Ikea . . . they are Norse . . . do you want me to sacrifice a baby in a burning pile of straw?
Gerrit: Religion is not about tolerance. See this lamp--it does not tolerate the dark; it crushes the dark because it believes in the light.
Ken: We'd have a black room with these idiot birds running into the walls.
Dan T.: . . . the man who escaped the Alcatraz Diner without pain.
Dan T.: You're going to take the failure of your restaurant and turn it into an international bestseller? That seems morally wrong.
Gerrit: If we don't catch this fish at the zoo and leave, we'll go hungry or to jail, go to jail.
Alan: Teabags and vestibules are one and the same.
Dan T.: Have you every walked into a building and stepped through a teabag first?
G'van: Ghosts like the junkyard because they can stuff themselves into little Cheerios boxes.
Gerrit: You know, swinging this bat is the only action I got all week.
Dan B.: 185 crayons walk into a bar, and a woman says, "Hey, I'm really drawn to you."
2/3/05
Jim: No, no, no, not Texas!
Jim: I said, snow, snow, snow in Texas.
Will: I am not the wind.
All: (The theme to convey is confusion; all players stand around, looking confused).
Jim: Where are everything?
Kevin: (As the Sieve of Eratosthenes) Ching, ching, ching . . . found another . . .
Kevin: I love science--that relates to computers.
Bram: Why kids call me Italian . . . I am the stallion.
2/6/05
Galen: (Sung) Whose light will never go out!
G'van: Good job with the solar generator, soldier.
Galen: We could give hybrid cars to orphans.
G'van: We could--if orphans could drive.
Gerrit: (During a hoedown about the fall of the Berlin Wall)
Ich wor mal ein kleines Kind, wohnt' am Wandesrond,
Und wegen dicser Mauer bin cih auch nie gerannt,
Es wor nicht gut, wir wollten geher,
Aber die Tud . . . er . . . uh . . . aufgestehen.
G'van: What's that? No really, what's that called? Alex, what's that called?
Kevin: My book, "Pinocchio from Wood to Man in 24 Days."
G'van: Welcome to G'van in the Morning.
Lisette:
My Momma don't wear no socks.
I was there when she took them off.
She hung them in a tree,
And now they can be free.
Josh: Mike Yin, he's so pickupable. He's like an M 'n' M.
Mike: I'll sell you this underwear for a ham sandwich.
Gerrit: . . . that's not important--what's important is that I am a disco worm.
Gerrit: Your father was a sellout.
Gerrit: Break all the glass and make as many disco balls as you can.
2/13/05
Adam: You hear about the barber who wouldn't accept money? He cut off a
kid's ear. That's funny.
Xia: Snakes would give me venom, and I would break out!
Alan: You are the great Loudini!
Gerrit: My name is Lou.
Gerrit: Breast? This is a hoagie.
Mike: You aborted my fetus!
Adam: (Offstage) Stop stealing my bit!
Josh: (Makes a sidecoach suggestion)
Alan: I'll do it my way.
Dan: I thought that I was first in the janitorial race.
Bram: I lost my sister.
Adam: (Jovially) You don't say!
Bram: What?
Adam: I was laughing at a joke . . . about a dead sister.
Brian: . . . this mysterious closet labeled "Don't Enter, There Are No
Puppets Here."
Brian: And to think he was a computer program made out of wood.
Josh: All that matters is that Bram is dead.
Rebecca: Oh my God! There's so much blood everywhere! Did you do that?
Mike: I was hungry. Sorry.
Gerrit: Opium is the older Asian brother of marijuana.
Dan: First off, I don't like any older Asian brothers.
Adam: That crappier version of Halo . . . uh . . . uh . . . Wolfenstein.
Adam: You know those phones . . . yeah . . . (Exits)
Bram: This is the book.
Kevin: Try to keep it in order.
Bram: What was my wife doing here three days a week?
Gerrit: There is a weight room. Perhaps she was lifting weights. Three
days a week is the right time for that, but opium is every day.
Alan: Get your launcher.
Bram: Lawn chair?
2/17/05
Public Service Announcement
(All)
"Yes, there's no (insurance) protection for anyone. Even the llamas." -
Lizette
"Africanized llamas" - Mike Stevenson
"[Africanized llamas] have been known to kill people from miles away." -
Jim Puls
What Happens Next?
(Lizette, Brahm) + Gerrit
(Mike Yin, Mike Stevenson) + Gerrit
"[What happens next?] We build the bike, and then it comes to life one
Christmas Eve." - Mike Stevenson
(Dan, Kevin) + Mike Yin, + Brahm
"I confess! I confess! I'm an environmentalist!" Dan
Actor's Worst Nightmare
(Mike S, Brahm)
Brahm (from book): Why don't we ask Rita?
Mike S: Why *don't* we ask Rita? ...wait, she's out of town, right?
(Mike Yin, Kevin)
Kevin (From Book): What about the filling station?
Yin: That blew up too - it was full of gas. and it blew up when the bomb
went off - look, THERE IS NO MORE NOTRE DAME!
Kick The Duck's Can Marcus... er, Marco.
(Mike S, Brahm) 'Fanworld'
(Yin, Kevin) 'Injunball'
Switch
(Gerrit, Lizette)
"Sylvester, what's that in your nose? Carpets samples?" - Gerrit
(Mike S, Kevin)
"...to tune all their instruments here on the USS Nuclear Submarine!"
and
"Why do we have this existential Angst? Why is the french horn so difficult
to align?" - Mike S
Forward/Reverse
(Kevin, Brahm)
"We gotta get you to da hospidoo"
and
"It's a gral [girl]!" - Kevin
"You gave me a banana and I called Jimmy next door" Brahm
2/20/05
Alphabitch
(Yin, Tasse, Beej)
"Can you just breathe the gas in through your mask, and you'll be fine...
I'm told." - Mike Yin
(Julie, Xia, Screaming Mike)
"I represent the city of Detroit, and I have to tell you that this area
isn't zoned for battlements... or... fortresses... or... Bastilles." -
Screaming Mike
"P'sure!" Julie
(Gerrit, Scott Dai, Rebecca)
"Bionic Mary, you are correct again." Gerrit
Switch
(Adam, Scott W)
"I hate the lung and I want to see it abused!" - Scott W.
Jaffe: You're going to be deployed to Iraq!
Scott W: They got free pop?
(Dan Tasse, Gerrit) + Scoot
"Do you have it? The globe with raised topographical projections?" - Tasse
"I don't know how to use a bat." - Gerrit
Scott: I ate all the chickens.
Gerrit: You ate them? They were in the car. I was only gone for a minute
and a half!
"Beggers can't be lenders!" - Gerrit
"I have some issues... some issues of Maxim..." Gerrit
Dating Game
(Grubb, Rebecca, Xia, Julie)
"Contestant #1: If you were on a Christmas Special about woodland forest
creatures, would you be the annoying squeaky one, or the smart,
know-it-all?" Grubb
Madrigal
(Grubb, Beej, Julie, Scoot)
"Students will die on Bill Clinton" - Beej
"Students will Thunderbill Clinton" Beej
2/24/05
Adam: What if we used Iron Kid's Bread?
Dan T.: What's Iron Kid's Bread?
Adam: It's like normal bread but more fun.
Adam: I don't like Elton John.
Mary Grace: (Adam is a fat vampire) You've got to stop going out every
night.
Dan B.: We use to wear parkas when we sporked (pronounced schparked).
Dan B.: These 8-pronged schparks aren't like the 3-pronged schparks we used
to use.
Brian: . . . the secret behind American slavery.
Alex: . . . we didn't want to go all the way to Jersey.
Mary Grace: I am the Beast--I don't eat Big Macs, I eat steak.
Dan T.: Your Uncle Jerry was a good man when he was alive (Laughs) but now
he's dead.
2/27/05
Yin: Number Booby.
Alan: Big Booby.
Josh: Holy, prenuptual, Fidelity Man.
Ken: How much cocaine do you need?
MIKE!: I'm just starting out, so 5 lbs.
Dan: How can you have pets? You're tiny.
Brian: I have tiny pets.
Brian: What there's not in here is hope.
Brian: Your cynicism gives me hope that there's other people out there as
unhappy as me.
MIKE!: Don't worry; your heart is very large. Surgery next week.
Kwasi: (Suggestion film style--Teen Sex Movie) If we finish this kite, we'll
get so laid.
Kwasi: That's a great bandage you made out of cheese.
Alan: It's cheese cloth.
Brian: (Offstage) Someone invited Mr. Pun!
3/18/05
Alex: I keep trying to spin the baton, but it's shaped like a rainbow, so I can't catch it.
Kevin: It's the memorabilia, Brother Patrick. It is full of memories.
Kwasi: Screw your chi . . . I'm rocking out!
Dan: Your eye . . . this could be the best pancake yet!
Adam: . . . in Switzerbeijing . . .
Alan: That testicle-eating monster is back . . .
Adam: Jerry Garcia!
Adam: You can't overdose on heroin--remember all those years back in 1975.
Will: (As a Street Shark) This show is going to be jawsome, but it is going to jawsuck without me.
Adam: I have a slide that doesn't end.
Kevin: It's going to kill me, holding it.
Dan: Only 3 people have ever seen the Bear Moth. Each asked 4 questions.
Alan: You have their Eiffel Tour on you fingertips.
3/20/05
Dan: How much paper clip we're counting? Or how many?
Josh: I'm afraid I'm allergic to rabies.
Jon: My wife was a ghost at this time.
Jon: Suddenly I paused and realized that my wife is attractive when she is dead.
Jon: . . . a little, little, large, humongous microscope . . .
Kwasi: . . . perfect . . .
Everyone: Buzz!
Dan: If you leave me one arm, I'll make you a delicious souffle.
Jon: Perhaps I misquestioned you strength.
3/24/05
"Captain, we don't take that kind of duty on the bridge." Josh
"This is the information buro of beurocracy" Yin
"Left Cabin^3" - Yin
"(drunkenly) Yeah... Fuck yeah! Spring break! At Campczn!" - Grubb
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I heard a crash... and I can't deal with that right now." - Yin
"Drunk people on my campczn crankcrowncake..." - Mary Grace
Grubb: (drunk) "We should invite Tom..."
Mary Grace: "Who's Tom?"
Grubb: "Tom... Foolery!"
"Oh, that side of Canada..." Gerrit
3/27/05
Josh: . . . ball of anti-light.
Rebecca: The Drunkard's Companion.
Kevin: Beautiful
Dan: Ah, entomology.
Kevin: Do you have a degree?
Dan: I have 98 degrees.
Adam: Wood.
Adam: I hate pancakes.
Alex: I hate pancakes!
Will: (The suggestion for the scene is "no fucking clue") All I can think of is someone boning
Colonel Mustard.
Kwasi: (Sung) I dropped out of college; now I play guitar in the Subway!
Dan: I am Electricity Man! Give me your guitar because I desire it!
3/30/05
Kevin: Look, I can crush the Earth from here.
Brian: I just got a my wife's dying.
Alan: It's a deserted alley way . . . no one around for feet.
Dan: Cleveland. Zot. (Destroys Cleveland)
Scott: You can't buy beer for our friend who is over 21.
Scott: Are you a homosexual?
Josh: No, I just want to find this child.
Scott: My name's not George. It's a common misconception. It's Georg.
Brian: They'll be back at any moment with their super-fast vision and razor-sharp dogs.
Scott: My English is impeccable; I learned it from rich people making fun of me.
Mary Grace: Excuse me. I'm having a seance and you are bothering me.
Scott: Well, I am trying to rob stuff from dead people, and you are disturbing me.
Mike: I run a cruise ship called the Frankenberry.
Tarek: I don't want to get aids again.
4/2/05
Josh: Captain Superhero, you've killed too many innocent people.
Adam: Mind you, I've killed only innocent people.
Josh: Grandpa, I'm sick of your sass.
Gerrit: Hampster's in the rear, poopin' all day.
Julie: (Suggestion is that domokks means a large Japanese man) Eat more rice, you domokks.
Josh: . . . Evil Overlord Willy Wonka . . .
4/7/05
Dan: . . . twiddling away . . .
Dan: Dad would be mad. Dad would be more mad if you hadn't stabbed him.
Kevin: I tried to hide the body in plain sight.
Dan: Plain sight? That's like not wanting to be kicked and putting on a "kick me" sign.
Dan: What are you doing?
Kevin: I'm just going through your mail.
Dan: Well, I'm just kicking you in the shins.
Will: Dan Tasse is like a peacock.
4/10/05
Bram: Youre not a very good penis-dogist
Josh: Prior to the invention of alcohol, Irish brains were naturally larger.
4/22/05
Dan: Racketball, a true gentleman's game, that.
Josh: For 3 years now I've been considering mounting you on the front of my
car.
4/24/05
Josh: I want juice!
Josh: Mortimer, you insensitwit!
Courtney: It's poison; drink it. It'll kill you faster.
Josh: I was in the sewer trying to find you. You are a dirty girl.
Connor: Get off my chocolate foot.
Connor: When I play Scrabble, I kill.
Gerrit: I suppose it has been shown that I am a cold, chesnutless lover.
Courtney: I'm your mother; don't call me girl.
Courtney: What drugs did you take?
Connor: All of them.
4/29/05
Brian: So when are your parents coming home, and how much are they going to
pay me?
Josh: I don't know . . . do you want to play Doctor?
Kwasi: No, you're going to sit back down in that throne and be the despot
you were meant to be.
Alex: (During a scene about the Boston Tea Party) This hat contains all of
his magical powers.
Alex: You're always the young one! Why can't you be more like your brother?