9-8-02
"Your ticket is like the sand to me. It is everywhere...and means nothing."

9-10-02
"What language do you speak? Asian!"

9-12-02
"Baby dinosaur Jesus"
"This is the worst mafia ever."

9-16-02
"Dinner before pie. Honor before dinner."
"I mean, we do all that swingin', but we don't get any swingin' man!"

9-17-02
"Damn my one-sided left body!"
"How old are you Judy?" "16" "That's the devil's age!"
"Nice and viscous...goey like my heart."
"Oh man! I haven't done Coffeehouse in 2 days!"

9-19-02
"What do you do with all the pus?"
"Give it to the chiropracters. They love the stuff."

9-22-02
"Bear means feces!"
"If you see him call me. I hope that woman owns a phone."
"I want a McBLT and a McVodka and I want it now!"

9-24-02
"I've got teeth and hair everywhere"

10-5-02
"May I massage your celery skin?"
"You're 43! It's time you became a celery man!" (Refering, of course, to celery boy)

10-8-02
"Do you know where I can buy some?" "Well, I...yeah."
"The first born male is the one to inhereit the bowling ball."

1-1-03
"Arrr...I am the rabbi!"

1-21-03
"You know what the murder weapon was? Taking it to the max!"
"[The Ass-o-Matic] is the newest thing to hit prisons since canned potatoes."
"If you want the cable guy to arrive, you necessarily need to remain moving at breakdancing speed."

1-23-03
"Everyone misses battletoads."
"Toast!" "Jam!" "Peanut Butter!"
"I have just one question for you." "Yes." [End Scene]
"I fear I am—the moo's, they enchanted me."

1-26-03
"A sea that we wash our babies in, Roger."
"You need to THINK. Teach Hug Inspire Nepotism and Karate."
"And then, Jared said, 'Our relationship is like this mug. Sometimes, I see it as half-full. Sometimes, I see it as half-empty. But, you know what? I've decided I don't like coffee.'"

1-30-03
"You know what our motto is? Pain Pain Pain = Good."
"We started holding hands, we worked our way up to head-butting."
"You want me to get the saw....I mean rice cooker."
"And I rule...at Turbo Dungeons."

2-3-03
"You think you can lick this popsicle down faster than me?" "No, you can't"
"First and foremost, Jon licked my buffalo."

2-7-03 Chickfest 2003
"When she would critique me, she would be like, 'That was good.' Smiley Face."
"...school marm."
"Yes you told me...as you were brutalizing me afterwards."
"You called me 'gal!' That means you don't love me."
"I care about you. You mean the world to me and whatever."

2-9-03
"Ow! My life!"
"Legal Paper?" "Yah." "Illegal Paper?"
"What did I see but a bunch of guys in togas, crying with milk."
"But that's what they get when they light my pants on fire...daily."
"185 cell phones walk into a bar and go up to 185 fine ladies and say, 'Hey, I'm Cingular, baby.'"

2-14-03
"I kind of think we took the easy way out by having one of you get eaten by a giant squid."

2-20-03
"dystopian yoda!"

2-23-03
"And this one's the butt shot"
"Yes, it was the great War of 1812 that changed the course of the American Revolution."
"Cold and heartless like my breakfast is cold and heartless, because it took so long."
"Improvicly"

2-27-03
"I'm from the Federal Checking of Hotness Samples Department."
"You can never underestimate the hotness of kids."
"It's cordy and vorak [moves hands]."

4-13-03
"I IM'ed you??"
"See here's the thing. I have this fork for a hand here."
"That monkey ate-a my bananas? I turned into an Italian!"

4-17-03
"Look at what's not there to see what's there"
"Engineering?...or fucking it up?"
Tyson put chalk in his ears
"This is evidence for the London...Philharmonic!"

4-20-03
"70 young verile children need milk, matzah, and pork"
"Say, isn't that an abandoned warehouse"
Tom, I think it is.
Undress yourself."
"I read about you in the ecoblog."

4-25-03
"Steadfast! And give me all your money"
"Vandal or... Employee of the Month"
"and that kid... is gonna war... his leg... on his face... for dinner!"
"You never thought of right-click?
-I have a Mac, I have to control-click, it's much harder"

5-1-03
"It appears to be a black pit of sawblade death"
"That was the secret potion to turn me from hamster to samuari!"
"We could argue the semantics all night, let's get back to making out"
"First, let's eat a penguin"
"This penguin kind of smells green...ish...in color"
"Buying a new toothbrush: mundane, but everyday"