8-30-01
"And by merry, I mean homosexual!"
"Pour the bucket of salmon on me right now or I'll kill you!"
"You're awfully precocious. Wow, I know a really big word!"
"I was gonna say, 'retractable knives.'"

9-2-01
"I was loving a tree."
"Habib eats string."
"These damn old men and their resiliency to shopping carts!"
"And by pumpkin pie, I mean having lots of sex."
"Hey, baby, I'll put out your fire. And by that I mean having lots of sex."

9-4-01
"And from the rubble...organum!"
"American car is like a cheap woman: no cloisonne."
"This is a f-ing barge! What the hell am I doing here?"
"It wasn't until I saw the leather on the ground that I realized: my shoe had exploded. Again."
"This is the scene of the crime...or a crime of a scene."
"I just had sex with the first lady of the United States!"
"I would sleep with the first lady with seventeen squirrels in her pockets!"
"This is the best Jewish Christmas ever."
"You think just because I have a nice nose, that doesn't mean I have a case!"

9-6-01
"My name is Herbert. I am a rock gollum."
"You can't ice fish here. It's an eskimo burial ground."
"My protein shake needs more protein...I know! A big side of beef!"
"It's already done. We killed Africa again."
"I'm not used to gnomes. They're not part of my gearshaft amusement park reality."

9-9-01
"I don't know what a bobcat looks like. I thought that was it."
"I think...there were French people about."
"I hope that your god takes care of you in the future, instead of letting you get hit by a car."
"There's a dancing bear out there for all of us."
"First of all, Fozzie Bear is all fuzzy."
"The lemur was my lover."
"...said the Spider Queen."
"When you throw a donut hole away, one of our people dies!"
"She wasn't quite good at numbers, but she was very good at keeping Timmy happy."

9-16-01
"Blue...blue like my soul."
"Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...their eyeballs taste like Sourpatch Kids."
"Snip! Mazeltov! L'chaim!"
"My pants are a nonspacial continuum."

9-18-01
"What is...funny?"
"Violence is funny if the audience laughs at it."
"Medusa."
"What is the name of my bellybutton?"
"Everything I know I learned from Nathan."
"Every single stone resembles a United Statesian president...he's drooling on Ulysses S. Grant!"
"It wasn't Jim. It wasn't Lucy. It wasn't Mr. Sparkles."
"I don't wanna lose you to the gymnastics, Johnny. Come and make-a quilts like me."
"If you had a broken leg, I'd shoot you, too."
"This might sound a little strange, but...can I have my dog back?"
"It's saying go like no nipple ever said go before!"
"It'll be you and me forever with no livestock."
"It's a dishwashing video game. It's called Dishwashing Pro 2001."

9-20-01
"Bumping and heaving--"
"Magneto rode in on his horse."
"I like the works of Showan Humper but I really think Jane Austen is king. She rocks."

9-23-01
"Wouldn't it be fun if we crossed each other?"
"Hi, Lord. Can we be lesbians?"
"And then when I say I love him, it won't really matter, 'cause he'll be staring at my breasts."
"White like white-out, dark like dark-out."
"It became part of me. Now I am the sandwich."

9-25-01
Jon (indicating his feet): I'm just gonna bash my way out of this cave with my fists.

"What's your problem? I totally dropped my balls."
"Hi, I'm Parky, the official No Parking Players parrot."
"...Horrid little drippies that fall from the sky."

9-27-01
"I've been struggling with the existence of Ronald Reagan. So tell me: does Ronald Reagan exist?"
"It's called 'Baldy 2000'--the last follicle to die..."

9-30-01
"It summons evil spirits!" [enter Tim Fife.]

"Everyone loves Perdue in the land of Perdueland."

10-2-01
"It's unheard of! They have more rabies than coyotes!"
"You're a BAD mother--you left your child with a rabid rabbit?"
"I smell squid on your breath."
"I'm the intern on duty--there was a plague in Manhattan."

10-4-01
"So, she's a ditz, huh?"
"I want you to know I got the job as Head Pallbearer this week."
"Well, we bear a lot of Pauls...and a lot of Leroys, too! Haha! Just a little pallbearer humor there!"
"Pasta is not enough to feed my stomach!"
"Ah yes...the French people...the French people...who lost many wars."
"Do you want to go to my bedroom and I can see...your shadow puppet."

NOTE: The langauge Icelandic is made up of the words "ice" and "bjork" said repeatedly.

"No, bitch! Don't bogart the llama!"

10-7-01
"...and by using the Book of the Dead recipe, you can keep them alive while they cook!"
"That takes too long, you should burn the house!"
"Well, I just...came across it...as you do, wandering around the Louvre."
"Canary-colored plates? They match the canary!"
"Dad, the canary is my surrogate brother!"
"Yes, I know. And the llama is your life partner."
"Et tu...Uh...Horus?"
"The surplus!...Damn you...damn."

10-9-01
"You can go fuck yourself and not my daughter!"
"If you don't let people kick you around, how are you ever going to get anywhere in this world?"

10-11-01
"185 police officers walk into a bar...Ouch! Ouch! Officer down! Officer down! Officer down!"
"You're one of those 'East Coast Cowboys' aren't ya."
"Jesus Christ! Did you make that out of pasta?"

10-14-01
"Het, I'm the rebel...I'm here."
"You can't ALL be Silent Bob!"
"My snake is limp!"

10-16-01
"You've stood in the face of fondue and said 'NO'!"
"Fondue that people will kill for."
"Well...I tripped over a hoe."
"You know what this tells us: never change anything."
"Mary's had a hard life. Her child looks lik brocoli."

10-18-01
"Sonic and I studied together at Harvard."

NOTE: James Bond did not study at Harvard.

10-23-01
"You know the rules! No spike jumping unless company's over! It's our greatest event!"
"I think you smile too much."
"Maybe if I say 'thirty' again, she'll get confused."
"Do you have any of those...wax lips?"
"She's the most attractive woman this side of Mucklux!"

10-25-01
"Is that why it's green and says DOOM on it?"

10-28-01
"Jenny...I know you love flat things...but that doesn't apply at all to you."
"So, drink with me,
Mate with me,
We shall have children
And they will be free."
"Halloween, halloween,
More delicious than a tangerine.
Oh, halloween, halloween,
I want to dance like Ben Vereen!"

10-30-01
"The janitor? But you live in school."

11-1-01
"Oh my God, the Iron Chef's been here! First he took my eyesight, now he takes my dignity."
"Honey? Honey? My ass is frozen, honey!"
"I'll get a hook...and bait it...with fudge."
"That was so, like, 'Fight Club,' but in kindergarten."
"I have poor Englishee."
"I'm going to create the sovreign nation of Gilesburg!"
"Hello, my name is Antar Duponce."

11-4-01
"This refrigerator has no honor!"
"Shut up, woman! Pavel does not close the garbage can lid."
"Satan said he used protection."
"Matt Heap is a stupid git
Who insults his fellow players."
"How much did you wager?"
"Edgar Allen Poe."
"Oh, I'll get the TV and/or stripper."
"I guess I'm nvere gonna find those space-honies, so..."
"This is about teamwork, and you're all a bunch of 'hoes."
"Science got us into this mess and science can get us out."

11-6-01
"Do you remember Saigon? I do."
"Do you punt? You're a LINEBACKER!"
"See, I was like, fighting the difference between leadership and jock-ism."
"What is Stoppard?"
"It's like how I talk."
"Who are we going to put a spell on? How about my mommy? We'll put a spell on her so she'll make me better lemonade...hard lemonade!"

11-15-01
"I'm an intrepid explorer trying to decide if these artifacts are bigger than my schlong."
"Football was just to keep my muscles strong and my stature low."
"There comes a time in a man's life when he starts thinking about seeds."
"If you play with fire, you're gonna get juiced."
"You haven't solved our problems, you've gotten yourself addicted to a robo-hussy!"
"SuperFan! Faster than a speeding manual fan!"
"I'm full of hormones and they motivate me to... do intelligent things."

11-18-01
"That's why I get to be Juliet! I can pronounce 'wherefore.'"
"Wherefloor...crap."
"His voice is evil."
"It's sexy."
"...sexy phlegm."

11-28-01
"It's all a false lie."
"Now the bird is gone, rock."
"I pray to Saint Happiness to make her happy."
"Mr. Johnston, why do you think I have appeared to you in the form of a stout Greek man?"
"It's chicken cordon bleu orange Peking duck sauce pie."

12-2-01
"I killed the whole family, look, it's a whole pile of hogs."
"It's just a shadow of it's former umbrella!"
"I had the weirdest dream! I couldn't decide whether to pee or ejaculate!"

12-6-01
"There are aliens in your computer, ma'am. They're shaped like little <word I can't read, email me if you know>."
"Oh my god, did I just download those in an email attachment?"

12-9-01
"Girl, I'd say my favorite activity would be wrapping my slimy legs around your body."

12-11-01
"Things don't change! Space is space!"
"It touches me like no one else ever has."
"N log squared N? You're no son of mine!"
"In order to have sex, I have to have money to have a house in which to HAVE SEX!"
"I was in Little Shop of ... Morrors!"
"Hey boss, I found a koala. Let's go have some wild 3-way animalistic sex."

1-20-02
"Let me plug it in backwords. That will make it run backwards."
"Oh man, I hate waking up in a tomb."
"As the day wore on, Leroy and the creature continued to transact financially."
"And with this treehouse, you will inherit the throne of Gondor!"
"Three ounces of broccoli...toe broccoli."
"Wax paper? Oh, I thought you said fax paper."
"Biatholon! That's where I get to have sex with men AND women, right?"

1-29-02
"They call me Ancient Cleb."
(There were more, but this is all I could read)

1-31-02
"...and judging by all this facial hair, I can tell you're very wealthy."

2-3-02
"Okay, we have this book here on horticulture and torture."
"What's that thing that chops off people's heads?" "Guillotine?" "Oh, shit."
"Brandy is such a high-class drink / Baseball bat is such a low-class weapon / its a commentary."

2-5-02
"Haha Suckers! It's your body now!"

2-14-02
"I see...rappers...everywhere!"
"I'm the son of God, the least you could do is give me a few honeys."

2-19-02
BBF, Constellation: little...belt...of grass.
BBF, Architectural Style: Mexican.
BBF, Marco Polo Discovery: Asia.
BBF, Oral Contraceptive: Coffee.

2-21-02
"I've been playing the chair for years!"
"Do you want some vodka?" "I'm not Russian."

2-24-02
"I'll connect the high voltage line of doom."
"Can't stop you from dying? Yes I can. Here's some...life-giving fluid."

3-3-02
"Quick, the limes are getting loose!"

3-13-02
"Under my dead body!"
"Meat is the life spring!"
"I'd like to welcome you to the Jewish pimps and ho's picnic."
"Well that's not very nice. What did the pigs ever do to you?" "Killed my dad."

3-21-02
"It's autumn and Satan is in. Reds and oranges and souls falling like leaves."

4-25-02
"Look, I took pity on you, you big-handed freak!"
"People tell me I sound like Lennon. Not John - the Russian leader guy."