The Alt.Suicide.Holiday Valentine's Day Survival Kit
Leigh "Fuck Hallmark" Orf
[Note: this will undoubtedly mean very little to those of you
in this world who do not recognize this "holiday" which is the
one of the unfortunate side effects of an unabashed capitalistic
society. However, if you like to break things, read on]
Valentines Day... ah, the powerful emotions it doth evoke. Images of
young lovers holding hands, the exchange of flowers and heart shaped
boxes of chocloate candy, laughter, joy, love, love, love; all this
coupled with the promise of the impending spring thaw.
It's enough to make a free thinking individual want to gouge his own
eyeballs out with an old rusty pair of scissors.
You hate Valentine's Day. Every year you screw up your face in disgust
when your eyes fall on the center of your February calendar. Every
year you glare in contempt and hatred at these ignorant fools who buy
into this money-making scheme of unabashed transparent nothingess
thinkly disguised as a day to show that special loved one just how
much you care, while leaving those of us who are not in the throes of
love to feel rejected, unloved, and downright inadequate. And those
of you who are lucky enough to share the companionship of another are
very aware that passing this wretched date by unheeded will result in
scorn and contempt from your partner.
You've finally had enough, and you want to take action, but you are at
a loss as of what kind of action to take. In a stroke of rare
generosity, I have compiled a list of things you can do to make
February 14 a tolerable, and even perhaps enjoyable, day for those of
who refuse to be enslaved by commercialism.
- Firebomb all the Hallmark card shops you can find. The greeting
card industry created this "holiday" and the most effective way of
ridding ourselves of it is to destroy it at the source. Greeting card
shops sell primarily paper goods, and will burn quite efficiently.
- Gather a large amount of sympathetic malcontents together and
declare February 14 as a Day of Hate. Ridicule those who are less
fortunate than you, refuel old ethnic hatred while encouraging the
hate that already exists, explode an advertising binge of misanthropy.
Be sure to be extremely vocal so as to get the attention of the
media. Break lots of things with reckless abandon. Carry placards with
catchy hateful slogans, such as "Hate Is Great", "Have You Exploited
Someone Today?" and "Fuck Love". Hit the malls and be sure to torch
all the greeting card shops (see (1)). This will have the positive
side effect of destroying the malls where today's vacuous youth,
extremely vulnerable to advertising, run rampant like a bad case of
- Upon coming in contact with aforementioned amourous starry-eyed
couples, proceed to exclaim loudly to either one, "Why didn't you
call me! You told me our passionate night together was only the
beginning?! Who the hell is *this*
cretin? Don't you know that s/he could never love you like I
can?! You're coming with *me*!" Etc., ad nauseum. Be very animated,
and feel free to physically get in between these two clueless sots. To
be especially effective, do your research ahead of time and seek out
certian couples. Learn their names, their habits and lifestyles, and
capitalize on this. By ruining their holiday of love together, you
will be adding them to the ranks of bitter V.D. malcontents.
You get the picture. Refuse to be passive! Join the ranks of
the angry, the bitter, the angstful, and smash this day into
oblivion. You'll thank me for it in the end, I guarantee.
This public service announcement was brough to you by Leigh Orf,
angstful bitter dissillusioned jaded malcontent at large.
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