Life Sucks: AJ's Philosophies and Ramblings
Author: Robert Alan Seace (Agrajag/AJ)
Publisher: RLunatic/j. hayden Pro-ductions
Let me introduce my wonderful (and absolutely true) book
with a wonderful (and absolutely true) poem, which sets the proper
Life - by AJ (based on a theme by Hep/Jhayden)
This poem brings up an important notion, and one of the
major foundations of my philosophy: sewer rats. What exactly are
sewer rats? What is their cosmic significance? And, why does life
choose to suck them? These and other questions will be answered in
the following chapter...
Those Sucky Sewer Rats
As many of you may already know, the concept of the sewer rat
having some cosmic significance was first introduced by one of the
great thinkers (and co-publishers) of our time: Hepzibah, AKA: Julia
Hayden. Upon hearing her thoughts and beliefs about the relationship
between life and sewer rats, I adopted them as part of my own philosophy.
The rest of this chapter details my own interpretations of the original
Sewer Rat Doctrines by Hep. For more information about her original
statements, see the chapter entitled "Hepzibah's Sewer Rat Doctrines".
I'm sure many of you are asking, "What exactly IS a sewer rat?"
If you aren't asking that, please do so now, before continuing. Well,
a sewer rat, quite simply, is a disgustingly dirty rodent who inhabits
basins of human waste. If you think about it, this is actually a very
deep and meaningful metaphor for us. That's right, US; human beings.
"How so?" you may ask. "That's obvious, you moron," I might answer.
We are nothing more than disgustingly dirty rodents, ourselves, who are
forced to live on this chunk of rock we call the Earth. In this case,
it isn't WHERE we live (the Earth) which is represented by the metaphorical
human waste, but rather the act of LIVING, itself. Essentialy, life is
one big pile of shit. So, to say that "Life sucks sewer rats" is really
a very complex and meaningful phrase. It is sort of a multiple-layered
metaphor, which would take far more than this one book to examine in
complete detail. Suffice it to say that the general gist of what is
being said is that life is not a very fun experience...
AJ's Life Experiences and the UEF
By now, you are probably wondering why I have such a negative
outlook on life. If you aren't wondering this, please do so now, before
continuing. The reason why I have this negative outlook on life is
actually rather simple: because life does indeed suck sewer rats. I
realize this is a rather recursive argument, but I don't care. Why do
I believe that life sucks sewer rats? Because, everything I have
experienced in my 21 years of life has proved to me that this is so.
Sure, there is the occasional bright spot every now and then, but life
on the whole still remains as horrid as ever.
Usually, after any Good Thing which happens in a person's life,
something of a Magnitude of Badness at least double that of the Magnitude
of Goodness of the previous Good Thing will inevitably occur. I have
witnessed this phenomenon countless times in my own and others lives. I
have labelled this phenomenon the Unequal Equalizing Factor (UEF) of life.
I hypothesize that it is impossible for any human being to experience a
total lifetime Magnitude of Goodness greater than one-half (1/2) of their
total lifetime Magnitude of Badness. In fact, I have never yet come across
a person who has experienced even that much Goodness, but my experiments
lead me to the conclusion that such a Magnitude of Goodness is actually
possible under extremely lucky conditions. However, the chances of such
conditions occuring are very VERY small. The average human Magnitude of
Goodness is approximately one-millionth (1/1000000) of their Magnitude of
Badness. The lowest recorded UEF ratio was my very own: one-quadrillionth
(1/1000000000000000). So, this may explain why I'm writing this book...
Love Sucks, Too
Ah, yes, love. That odd, mystical, indescribable state of being,
which can either be the most wonderful thing in one's life, or the most
horrible thing in their life. Since love is a part of life, then, by
default, it must suck, too. But, in fact, love actually has an SI (Sucking
Index) which is much higher than any other aspect of life. Let's examine
why this is so.
While in a state of love, one is blinded to the Suckiness of life.
I have labelled this phenomenon LIBAL (Love Induced Blindness About Life).
The cause of LIBAL is unknown, but it is suspected that love is actually
a very powerful, telepathic drug, which numbs various parts of the brain,
including the areas responsible for noticing the Suckiness of life. As a
result, the subject in love sees everything as wonderful and great. Of
course, if one is continually subjected to this love drug for long enough,
it's affect will fade as the subject builds up a tolerence. And, just as
with any other drug, if taken away suddenly, it causes drastic affects to
the subject. Suddenly, the subject sees life clearly again, in it's full
Suckiness. Often, subjects can't handle this transition back to a love-free
mind, and either go insane, kill themselves, become Internet BBS'ers, or
a combination of the above...
I could go into a very long and detailed explanation and proof
of the above, using my own and others' life experiences as evidence.
However, that would take up far too much time and space, and is a subject
worthy of it's own book. (In fact, if this book is profitable for me, I
may write a book about that very topic: "Love Sucks, Swallows, and Bites".)
We all know this one to be true, and I'm sure I won't get much
dispute. Whether you are in High School, College, or Grad School, the
universal fact remains that school sucks. You are forced to do tons of
inane homework, take pointless tests, and get little or no sleep. And,
all for what? A piece of parchment paper with your name on it, which
you might get after several years of this torture, if you are lucky. Why
do we put ourselves through this self-induced torture? Because we are
greedy, and we want jobs where we can make lots of money when we finally
graduate. Typical human nature...
Yes, human beings themselves suck. We are the proverbial Sewer
Rats. We are useless, arrogant, ignorant, violent, and just generally
not nice guys. If you don't believe me (and, if you are like most humans,
you don't believe me), then just take a look at some of the things we
humans have done: We have started wars over such stupid things as religion
(see chapter "Religion Sucks"). We have killed millions and billions of
people for no apparent reason. We have destroyed our own planet, and
other life forms we share it with (which we automatically assume we are
better than, by the way). Etc... Perhaps this explains WHY exactly our
lives do suck: it is some sort of payback for our whole species being
Religion. Those useless, time-wasting, archaic beliefs which
people use to help them deal with life and death (see chapter "Death
Sucks Even More"), since they just can't handle the reality. They need
to believe that there is something wonderful waiting for them after they
die. Otherwise, they just couldn't deal with the fact that life sucks
as much as it does. They usually view life as some sort of trial they
have to go through in order to make it to the Wonderful Afterlife...
Poor, deluded bastards... They just can't accept the fact that this is
it, this is all there is to life, and it sucks. And, there are no refunds
Death Sucks Even More
By now, I've probably depressed you to the point of considering
suicide... Well, don't do it, because death sucks even worse than life.
At least while you are alive, you've got a chance (however slim) of having
something good happen to you. But, when you are dead, you are... well,
dead... Nothing good will happen to you, in fact NOTHING at all will
happen to you; or, if it does, you won't know about it. You are just
buried in the ground to rot, and become food for various creatures. Not
a fun thing to have happen to you. So, my advice is just to learn to
deal with the suckiness of life, and hope you have a high UEF...
Is There Anything That Doesn't Suck?
Not too damn much... But, there are a few things in this life
which actually are good. Among them are: Internet, computers, and
Quartzers/Prismers/Sunseters... Now, I'm sure many of you have had bad
and Sucky experiences with some of the above, but those things are not
the cause of the Suckiness, but rather it is just life's Suckiness which
is causing them to malfuntion. (Note: There are exceptions to this rule.
Among those exceptions are Macintoshes, Toilet Bowl, and Bert.) But,
there is little else in life that doesn't suck...
Ok, you are most likely saying to yourself, "What a whining
imbecile. Big deal; what is he trying to prove?" Well, nothing, really.
I just wanted to bitch a little bit, and let the masses know how much
life really does suck. Try to wake up the ignorant and/or blind and/or
braindead optimists (I hear rumors that some of these still exist; it's
sad, really). Life is not a fun experience, and should be avoided if at
all possible. However, if you are reading this, you are most likely
already alive, and so Life is the lesser of two evils in that case. My
only suggestion for dealing with Life is to go completely crazy every now
and then, whether you need to or not. This helps immensely, and can
prevent a complete, total, and permanent loss of sanity at a later date.
Other than that, just shut up and deal with it... And, always know that
no matter how bad your life is, at least you aren't me...
Hepzibah's Sewer Rat Doctrines
I owe much of my philosophy to Hep's Sewer Rat Doctrines, and
so I include them here for the reader's enjoyment and enlightenment...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Begin Quoted Text +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thu Oct 22 21:54:07 1992 from Hepzibah
well. as some of you know, I am renowned through the internet for my way with
words. (not spelling them, but for linking them in a charming intelligent
many of you may have seen the evolution of "...sucks dead sewer rats"
(c) Hepzibah 1991,1992. FreeWords with proper acknowledgement. into a more
complex phrasing such as todays version:
"it sucks wild wet siberian sewer rats with amex cards."
What follows is a brief group of adjectives that could be used in place of the
various adjectives (and adjectival phrases), or in conjunction with the ones
above. The more adjectives the greater the sucking.
red headed poodle-skirt wearing Elvis-impersonating Vegetarian
Toga-clad self-confident Pocket Protector wearing
Hep-Quoting Rumabing Glove-keeping Big-footed
black-toed cross-dressing golden-locked Monarchist
gaudy angst-ridden postage pre-paid evildoing
delusional deathly ill jingoistic Orthodox
Reaganesque lithe marxist Merovingian
from Amherst from Hell in spandex with PhDs
in Operas like nobody's business fourfold on Mars
there are of course many more, but you get the idea
BLATANT PLUG: Use em! Use em! They are GUARENTEED to get people talking
about YOU. Papers! Theses! Exams! In Class! To your Parents! To my parents!
In a store! In the paper! On-line! To your friends! To your enemies!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ End Quoted Text +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Simply amazing, isn't it? Is it any wonder why Hepzibah was
voted Best Internet TeleCommunications Historian, as well as Magnanimous
Enlightened Above Normal Internet Educator, and Internet's Amazing Most
Dauntingly Erudite and Adept Demigod (narrowly beating the only other
nominee: Harriet)? ;-)
I hope you have enjoyed this book, and will send me tons of
money, and that a beautiful naked woman covered with... *ahem* Nevermind
that... Always remember: Life Sucks!
_Life Sucks_ is a RLunatic/j. hayden pro-duction.
RLunatic/j. hayden productions publishes only the highest quality
publications on a sporadic basis. For more information on other
publications, or for feedback on this fine piece of work, please
contact us at the addresses listed below.
More Info: Resident Lunatic -- email@example.com
&/or: Hepzibah -- firstname.lastname@example.org
Official Release, Ver. 1 -- December 15, 1992
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