"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
"I met her at Macy's. She was shopping... I was putting Slinky's on the escalator."
"Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears... I think George is weird, because he has false teeth... with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."
"Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em"
"He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? ... He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."
"I bought some batteries... but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again..."
"I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen."
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out..."
"Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing..."
"I have a switch in my apartment......it doesn't do anything......Every once in a while, I turn it on and off......One day I got a call......it was from a woman in France.......she said 'Cut it out'......"
"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature."
"I was skydiving horizontally"
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
"On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs."
"I just redecorated my appartment. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall... just so nobody would know"
"I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it."
"I invented the cordless extension cord."
"When I was little, my grandfater used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice."
"I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit."
"A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'"
"Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture."
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
"While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in _exactly_ the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: Do I know you?"
"When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic."
"When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."
"A child's mind is a terrible thing, ... not to fuck with!"
"I had a friend who was a clown.. when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.."
"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time."
"I spilled Spot Remover on my dog....Now he's gone."
"I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body only 2 inches taller."
"I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age."
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up..... I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.
"I like to skate on the other side of the ice."
"My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them."
"One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house."
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
"I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>"
"Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper they'd be if that didn't happen."
(some omitted....) ....the judge asked: "what do you plead?" I said "insanity. your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
"Having sex with (name) is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match..."
"I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'".
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
The sky already fell. Now what?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last nite. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Doin' a little work around the house. Putting hardwood floors over wall-to wall carpeting. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say Go ahead, touch it .. it feels real.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this \//\\//\\//\. I go down to the pet store -- Gimme another ten guppies I got a lotta calls yesterday.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I was watching the superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
"So, do you live around here often?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
"I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, ' Extra medium.' "
I was reading the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
I washed mud off of mud.
I took a baby shower.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids, I got a toy subway instead; you couldn't see anything but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and ask the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
When I was 8, I played little league. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
I couldn't find the remote to the remote.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he gan get me five.
"The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me."
"You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean too far back, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time..."
There is a thin line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice ... I like to reminisce with people I don't know ... I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit ... And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo... He got pretty good... He could go under a rug...
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."
Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip........... I don't remember what it was...
One day, when I came home from work, I accidently put my car key in the door of my apartment building... I turned it... and the whole building started up.... So I drove it around.... A policeman stopped me for going to fast... He said, 'Where do you live?'... I said, 'Right here'... Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy...
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed '1' and he just stood there...I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'...the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'...I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank...It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you...we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it if you never called me again.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yea, but not in a row."
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
I was born by Ceasarian Section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912 ... well, to make a long story short ...
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took and to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said its "Free With Purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed... It wasn't the kind that folds.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I bought a self learning record to learn spanish, I turned it on and went to sleep, the record got stuck, the next day I could only stutter in spanish.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!"
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said "the whole time".
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign." I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool) ...I like to live on the edge...
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Four years ago..............no, it was yesterday.
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend...It's called 'They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring.'
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...........ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I have a hobby...I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it...
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Sometimes I...No, I don't.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
The sun got confused about daylight savings. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
"On the other hand, you have different fingers..."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (slow glance upward)
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... boy, were they mad!
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.